SATIRE: Who Grade EPP; For Nemo Dat Quod Fucking Habet

All work no play, makes Jack a dull boy

Students’ lives are straddled with crushing academic workloads that a sprinkle of fun is not such a bad idea. Life is too short to not add the extra rope of buzzing activities. After all, ‘who grade epp’ if it represses the adventurous part of you struggling to break free to the surface? It is time to zone into the general vibe of ‘enjoy your life on campus’ while studying to only keep your studentship, without necessarily striving for an excellent grade. Check out the following tips to bring on your A-game to the social function and waltz into the thrilling side of UofA campus life.

ATTEND SOCIAL JAMBOREES

Spice the myriad social events with your elegant and expensive presence. Be a party crasher and attend all the social jamborees on campus including Beauty pageant and dinners, Faculty parties, Hangouts, swimming, picnics, sports marches, religious activities and voluntary tasks and so many mouth-watering events on campus. Trust me, no class is worth sacrificing the free food for. Life is too short to not add an extra rope of fun. Throw every caution out of the window. You don’t need to strive for excellence; just do enough to keep your studentship to avoid ‘tsunami’.

BE THE POLITICAL CHAIRPERSON WRINGING OUT VOTES FOR YOUR CHOICE OF CANDIDATE 

The election period is almost past; you can see political aspirants subtly scheming with unusual cheerfulness and epistles ending with ‘Jagaban cares’ to endear themselves to students. In this period, aspirants warm up to students’ influencers to canvas for votes; they worm their way into voluntary services and associations that were once insignificant.  To pave your way into the limelight, even if your name is not ‘Jagaban’ you should start caring, or you could become a spokesperson for this calibre of aspirants. Seize this period to be everywhere canvassing votes for your chosen candidate. Wring out the votes you need from students. Be at the forefront of the electioneering campaign, and stab all classes to show your support. After all, life is a quid pro quo, that is, if you want the prize of stardom and fun, you have to be prepared to pay the price.

BE THE CHEERLEADER AT EVERY STAGE OF JAW WAR

Jaw war, a popular debate competition, was  just around the corner. While you’re not competing at the debate, of course, you are not a public speaker, ensure you are occupying a seat in the front row and always screaming your throat dry to cheer the participants. Don’t mind that your hall or faculty is not speaking at that round. Go there and make some noise. You don’t need to understand the argument, just snap your fingers and exclaim ‘word…word’. Only attend for the fun, noise and thrill. Is it clashing with a test? Stab the test, that lecturer can’t drop punchlines like jaw-war speakers.

PAUSE, HERE IS THE AFTER-PARTY SOUVENIR

Now, let’s get real. After this much fun in an already short second semester, you will keep your studentship in UofA, after all, your grade is above 1.0. But will doing little to only stay in school while you dine at every social function be enough to secure you a seat with the ‘sharks’ at the card table when you leave school? I have advised you that grades are just numbers that do not determine your worth or capacity since you have skills to set you up for life, but some intelligent people say you need a convincing grade to get one foot into a work environment if you intend to venture into the corporate world or distinguish yourself in any endeavour of your choice; meaning your grade is the gateway ticket to whatever you have to offer.

One of my lecturers in the department of Guidance and Counselling once advised: “Dear students, making a good grade is not sufficient proof of skillfulness or intellectual competence, but it is more often than not a necessary condition for being given the benefit of the doubt.”

So, whose advice are you taking this semester? My ‘over-wise’ words or the intelligent counsel of my experienced lecturer.